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There are several ways to get your hands on a new kidney, if you are so inclined. The easiest is to simply ask someone you know, preferably a family member as they are - obviously - more inclined to be a better match and also more inclined to say yes. Unfortunately, my own family are a tapped-out resource. My mother has already given me one, selfishly depriving me of one now - bloody typical. My father couldn't, nor could my younger brother, and my older brother...well, let's just say he's off my Christmas Card list. So, with my family out of the running, I turned to my clutch of friends, all young and healthy, with two juicy kidneys apiece...tried that too (Godbless you Anna) but that turned out to be a dead-end as well.

The next option is to simply wait and hope for icy weather and reckless young men on motorbikes. This takes a long time, and now spring is coming.

So, without having the money (or the inclination, frankly) to go to Pakistan and buy one off the black market, I have come up with the perfect solution: advertise. Over the weekend, some friends and I were perusing mysinglefriend.com and it made me realise that I, too, am looking for the perfect match. With this in mind I have written what I am sure to be a guaranteed hit of a personal ad:

23 yr stunning female seeks male/female (nt fussy) for surgery,
organ removal and walks on the beach. Must have own
car, kidneys, GOSOH and organ donor card. Preferably
genetically compatible. I have a hole (where my kidneys used to be)
- can you fill it?

Brilliant, right? I can't see why I didn't think of it before. Of course, the first date might be a bit awkward...but I reckon I could lighten the mood a few "I need your organ inside me" jokes. Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for the offers to come flooding in.

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