I have been putting much thought into how to make a blog about waiting seem interesting. Dialysis, in itself, is not that exciting (unless, of course, you are in the thrall of Prison Break, series 1 during sessions). It it a strange paradox that the dialysis which I loathe is actually the most interesting part of this whole process. Ever seen the movie Jarhead? Being on the organ donation waiting list is much like that. Without the Scud missiles.
A typical dialysis session might run thus:
1. Waddle in. Yesterday I was carrying an extra 2 kilos of fluid, evident in my podgy toddler-just-awoken-from-nap face.
2. Steer past the collection of incoherent/incontintent old people who are coughing, moaning or (mercifully) sleeping.
3. Remind myself I am not like them.
4. Sort out the machine. Weigh myself. Take my blood pressure. Take my temperature. Prepare a sterile trolley. Plug in my laptop. Search out a Prison Break DVD.
5. Brace myself as one of the kindly Phillipino nurses inserts two giant needles into the fistula in my arm.
6. Say "f**k" under my breath.
7. Eat a tuna and sweetcorn M&S sandwich. If I had been feeling reckless, it may actually be a BLT (I should just point out here I have single-handedly been keeping M&S afloat throughout the recession)
8. Watch Prison Break; bemoan the fact that Wentworth Miller is probably gay; wish I was somewhere else.
Wow...seeing it in print really brings home the banality of the whole process. Perhaps I should write this blog as a spoof. Spoofs seem to be all the rage of late. Perhaps a Bridget Jones pastiche:
Tuesday 5th January
Weight: 49.2 kg Blood Pressure: 148/90 Boyfriend: None Kidneys: None Cigarettes: Surprisingly few (not that I smoke...)
Good day today. Dialysed yesterday so at least I lost weight. No dishy doc as yet, so have vowed to find myself a man somehow. I wonder if any of the old geezers on the unit have hot sons? Must investigate. Must find a good job - something frightfully fabulous in the media. Still waiting for kidney.....
Or Girl with a One track mind:
Went to the hospital with the intention of having life saving dialysis, but bumped into a semi-attractive porter in the lift...
Ok, both rubbish and unsustainable. In the meantime, will try and make dialysing and waiting for a kidney sound far more engaging and exciting than it probably is. Coming soon: an exposition on how I lost my kidney function...when I was juggling fire in the carnival....
A typical dialysis session might run thus:
1. Waddle in. Yesterday I was carrying an extra 2 kilos of fluid, evident in my podgy toddler-just-awoken-from-nap face.
2. Steer past the collection of incoherent/incontintent old people who are coughing, moaning or (mercifully) sleeping.
3. Remind myself I am not like them.
4. Sort out the machine. Weigh myself. Take my blood pressure. Take my temperature. Prepare a sterile trolley. Plug in my laptop. Search out a Prison Break DVD.
5. Brace myself as one of the kindly Phillipino nurses inserts two giant needles into the fistula in my arm.
6. Say "f**k" under my breath.
7. Eat a tuna and sweetcorn M&S sandwich. If I had been feeling reckless, it may actually be a BLT (I should just point out here I have single-handedly been keeping M&S afloat throughout the recession)
8. Watch Prison Break; bemoan the fact that Wentworth Miller is probably gay; wish I was somewhere else.
Wow...seeing it in print really brings home the banality of the whole process. Perhaps I should write this blog as a spoof. Spoofs seem to be all the rage of late. Perhaps a Bridget Jones pastiche:
Tuesday 5th January
Weight: 49.2 kg Blood Pressure: 148/90 Boyfriend: None Kidneys: None Cigarettes: Surprisingly few (not that I smoke...)
Good day today. Dialysed yesterday so at least I lost weight. No dishy doc as yet, so have vowed to find myself a man somehow. I wonder if any of the old geezers on the unit have hot sons? Must investigate. Must find a good job - something frightfully fabulous in the media. Still waiting for kidney.....
Or Girl with a One track mind:
Went to the hospital with the intention of having life saving dialysis, but bumped into a semi-attractive porter in the lift...
Ok, both rubbish and unsustainable. In the meantime, will try and make dialysing and waiting for a kidney sound far more engaging and exciting than it probably is. Coming soon: an exposition on how I lost my kidney function...when I was juggling fire in the carnival....
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