Over the weekend, I found myself in a bar chatting to an attractive young gentleman who was, as it turns out, a medical student. He explained he was destined to become a GP - so George Clooney he was not -but it definitely gave us something to talk about.
When I meet people in the medical profession, it quickly becomes apparent that I have some (albeit limited and kidney specific) medical knowledge. I can't help myself: which hospital do you work at? Aah, Kings, yes I know Kings. What do you specialise in? Nephrology you say? Well funny you should mention that...
Inevitably, the person with whom I am chatting wants to know why, firstly, I am so dull and asking such inane questions, and secondly - do I know a lot about hospitals? (read: do you have a disease? An infectious disease?). I do not look typically what you might consider "ill": still have all my hair; all limbs present; no tubes hanging out of anything, so I am something of a puzzle. People - and this applies to everyone, not just doctors - are curious, uncontrollably so. They just can't help themselves but ask. I can't blame them, I get the same urge myself, but usually I do my very best to curb it because sometimes you just don't want to talk about it. Dr Wannabe did not reign in his curiosity, but he was fit, so I acquiesced. I'm on the waiting list for a kidney transplant, I told him.
This confession led to what can best be described as Kidney Failure Hot-Talk (KFHT). This is when two individuals engage in a discussion about kidney failure as a substitute for conventional flirting dialogue:
"Soo...are you, er, on dialysis?" (Soo...er...do you come here often?)
"Yes, haemo." (Why yes, I have been known to)
"How often?" (Do you come here alone?)
"3 times - Monday, Wednesday, Friday" (I usually just come with friends...)
"That must be tough." (You know, I'm a pretty sensitive guy)
"It's not great, but, y'know, its fine" (I'm not an emotional wreck who will cry every time we have sex)
"Do you have a fistula?" (I'm just going to check out your body whilst I "look for your fistula")
"Yes...would you like to feel it?" (Would you like to touch me?)
"Wow...that's cool" (Wow...that's quite close to your breasts)
"It's really big and strong" (....)
"Are you on a fluid restriction?" (How drunk are you likely to get tonight?)
"Sort of" (Why don't you buy me a drink...)
And so on and so forth. This has what my life has become: shamelessly using my potentially life-threatening disease to chat up guys. What does it say about me that I was attracted to Dr Wannabe because he knew what a fistula was? (That, and he had on a nice shirt)... Guys can't really think "did you know I don't produce urine?" is a chat up line, can they...? Oh God. I'm pathetic. Even my love life now revolves around kidney failure. And it's one of the most un-sexy diseases there are! If I had M.E. then, yeah, maybe...but kidney failure?! Failure is right there in the title! Needless to say, I left without saying goodbye to Dr Wannabe and without him having bought me a drink...I like to think he was just concerned for my fluid intake.
When I meet people in the medical profession, it quickly becomes apparent that I have some (albeit limited and kidney specific) medical knowledge. I can't help myself: which hospital do you work at? Aah, Kings, yes I know Kings. What do you specialise in? Nephrology you say? Well funny you should mention that...
Inevitably, the person with whom I am chatting wants to know why, firstly, I am so dull and asking such inane questions, and secondly - do I know a lot about hospitals? (read: do you have a disease? An infectious disease?). I do not look typically what you might consider "ill": still have all my hair; all limbs present; no tubes hanging out of anything, so I am something of a puzzle. People - and this applies to everyone, not just doctors - are curious, uncontrollably so. They just can't help themselves but ask. I can't blame them, I get the same urge myself, but usually I do my very best to curb it because sometimes you just don't want to talk about it. Dr Wannabe did not reign in his curiosity, but he was fit, so I acquiesced. I'm on the waiting list for a kidney transplant, I told him.
This confession led to what can best be described as Kidney Failure Hot-Talk (KFHT). This is when two individuals engage in a discussion about kidney failure as a substitute for conventional flirting dialogue:
"Soo...are you, er, on dialysis?" (Soo...er...do you come here often?)
"Yes, haemo." (Why yes, I have been known to)
"How often?" (Do you come here alone?)
"3 times - Monday, Wednesday, Friday" (I usually just come with friends...)
"That must be tough." (You know, I'm a pretty sensitive guy)
"It's not great, but, y'know, its fine" (I'm not an emotional wreck who will cry every time we have sex)
"Do you have a fistula?" (I'm just going to check out your body whilst I "look for your fistula")
"Yes...would you like to feel it?" (Would you like to touch me?)
"Wow...that's cool" (Wow...that's quite close to your breasts)
"It's really big and strong" (....)
"Are you on a fluid restriction?" (How drunk are you likely to get tonight?)
"Sort of" (Why don't you buy me a drink...)
And so on and so forth. This has what my life has become: shamelessly using my potentially life-threatening disease to chat up guys. What does it say about me that I was attracted to Dr Wannabe because he knew what a fistula was? (That, and he had on a nice shirt)... Guys can't really think "did you know I don't produce urine?" is a chat up line, can they...? Oh God. I'm pathetic. Even my love life now revolves around kidney failure. And it's one of the most un-sexy diseases there are! If I had M.E. then, yeah, maybe...but kidney failure?! Failure is right there in the title! Needless to say, I left without saying goodbye to Dr Wannabe and without him having bought me a drink...I like to think he was just concerned for my fluid intake.
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