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Going for gold

I am ill. I have been overcome. Yeah, kidney failure, whatever...I'm not talking about that. I have Olympic fever and I fear it might be terminal.

I cried when we won the bid seven years ago and I have been looking forward to London 2012 ever since. An evening spent at the O2 - sorry, North Greenwich Arena - last Saturday has enabled me to say I Was There, watching men do un-natural things on gymnastic equipment, and this week I have been mostly watching rowing, swimming and triathalon-ing on my sofa instead of re-writing my book. I have been inspired by the story of Helen Glover, the gold-medal winning rower who only stepped into a boat 4 years ago. By my calculations, if I were to start training now, I would be on course for topping the podium in Rio 2016.

I just need to decide which discipline to take up. My height - or rather, lack of it - rules me out of rowing (plus don't fancy the early mornings) and swimming, but I don't want broad shoulders either. Shooting and archery are dashed by my poor eye sight and weightlifting...I think we can safely put that in the maybe pile. So that leaves equestrian (the last time I rode a horse I was eight, and I fell off), heptahalon (too much like hard work) and diving. Diving, according to the body match app on the BBC Olympic website, is the event to which I am best suited but the only way you will get me off that 10m board is to push me and I'm pretty sure they don't award points for falling with style. So after careful consideration, I have decided my best bet is handball. Not that many people play handball so I figure I have a good chance of making the Olympic team, and it seems to be a bit like netball - I don't know, I've only watched 5 minutes of one match, and that was men. Will my parents be proud if I win a gold medal in handball? Middle distance running sounds better. Hell, JUDO sounds better...but I need to be realistic, and handball is my best shot.

If Oscar Pistorius can bring it in the Olympics on bionic legs I see no reason why me and my no kidneys can't also make the A standard. Besides, I am a week into the summer holidays and I need a project. Just watching the athletics makes me want to get up and run around, so Heidi and I have decided to go to a gymnastics class and I have started running again, with Brendan Foster commentating in my head. I have some experience in endurance sports: kidney failure is definitely a marathon. Recently I have dearly wanted to pull up by the barriers, so I need to "dig deep and run a gutsy race". I'll find my local handball team, keep running and keep my eyes on the prize, be it a kidney or Olympic glory.
My Super Olympic Salad

My Patriotic Pavlova

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