Last week, the Daily Mail featured a "Hospital Survival Guide". At first glance, I thought this might be the paper's attempt at shrugging off its doomsday, cynical persona and re-inventing itself as the warm, caring periodical - the daily that just wants to look after of you. Then, I read it. The extended title was: "The ingenious tricks that can save you from superbugs and other hospital disasters" and I realised the Daily Mail was not trying to shrug off anything; it was as right-wing as always and just as intent on convincing its readers that New Labour was sneakily trying to kill you and if the psychotic-paedophile-IV drug user doesn't get you, the NHS will.
It came as little surprise that its top tips for surviving a trip to hospital were a mix of basic common sense and ludicrous, impracticable scare-mongering. It starts innocuously enough, warning us of the dangers of contracting MRSA and c.difficile. Ok, so far, so obvious. Reading on, we see we are also at risk from "equally deadly" infections in surgical sites, pneumonias and e.coli and that these are all on the increase. Of most concern, however, is (apparently) malnourishment. In 2008 (apparently), 8,000 patients came out of hospital more malnourished than when they went in, but anyone who has ever sampled hospital food could cheerfully account for this statistic.
So, if you don't want to die of a deadly infection or starvation, what - oh what - to do? Fortunately, the Daily Mail is here to save us. Firstly, you must keep visitors off your bed. In my experience, this is a near-impossible feat: the NHS cannot afford more than one chair per-bedside, so the presence of any more than 2 visitors always leaves one to awkwardly hover; 2 or more visitors amounts to standing-room only. I had naively thought the purpose of receiving visitors when in hospital was the provision of comfort, but the idea of having a loved one jump on your bed for a hug or a bit of much-needed physical closeness is clearly obscene and will only get me killed. Phew - avoided that bear trap.
After some sage advice about washing your hands (if only I'd thought of that), comes a dictum to "take a photo of your doctor". Calm down girls - amazingly, this is not so you can catalogue what is sure to be a stream of young, dishy docs and find them on Facebook later. It is because: "You will see countless doctors, nurses and other people during the course of a day, so it's important to know exactly who the doctor in charge of you is". Hang on, Daily Mail...are you suggesting more than ONE doctor might cross my path during my stay? ONE doctor won't work continuously until my stay is over? Well, at least if I have a photo I will "be able to identify them" - and however else would I be able to do that?! Their name badge almost certainly won't help. Not quite out of the woods yet, though: I also need to: "Make sure everyone who talks to you identifies themselves, and convey changes in your condition only to the doctors and nurses involved in your case". Presumably, you can thus avoid giving your medical history to the cleaner or having the McDonalds delivery guy try and start an IV.
Next: "Drink plenty of water". Unless you are on a fluid restriction. Or you are nil-by-mouth.
We are also informed we must eat more (to counter the malnourishment you are sure to suffer). You will notice if weight-loss has occurred during your hospital stay because "rings become looser [and] your belt needs to be tighter". Thank God - otherwise how would you realise.
Possibly my favourite nugget is: "Cover the stethoscope". Apparently, doctors use them on more than just one patient and they are teeming with bacteria, don't you know. There was me thinking the NHS had the resources to pay for a brand new stethoscope per patient...I realise the Daily Mail is no medical journal, but is it not common knowledge that covering the end of a stethoscope would make it harder to...y'know...hear stuff? Perhaps I should insist my doctor sterilises the side of his head before laying his ear directly on my chest. I could then go on to sue him from malpractice and sexual harassment...and sell my story to the Daily Mail.
Finally, you need to place a pump-dispenser of alcohol-based sanitiser on my bedside table so that staff will "get the hint". Even if they don't clean their hands, they will definitely "get the hint" that you a uptight, paranoid, anal hypochondriac. When you complain in restaurants, the chef sneezes in your food.
Having read the Daily Mail's "Hospital Survival Guide", it struck me that it was probably written by somebody who has never been to hospital. It its blinkered desire to take a pop at the Labour Government, it did a great dis-service to the thousands of NHS employees who go to great lengths to keep their working environment clean and safe. I have had some dealings with hospitals and I can attest to this; the Daily Mail might be shocked to find out hospitals already provide alcohol-based sanitisers throughout their facilities - shocking, I know. I'm going to hospital in an hour: just enough time to don a mask and gloves and stock up on Detol. As long as no-one touches me, with anything, I might just come out alive.
It came as little surprise that its top tips for surviving a trip to hospital were a mix of basic common sense and ludicrous, impracticable scare-mongering. It starts innocuously enough, warning us of the dangers of contracting MRSA and c.difficile. Ok, so far, so obvious. Reading on, we see we are also at risk from "equally deadly" infections in surgical sites, pneumonias and e.coli and that these are all on the increase. Of most concern, however, is (apparently) malnourishment. In 2008 (apparently), 8,000 patients came out of hospital more malnourished than when they went in, but anyone who has ever sampled hospital food could cheerfully account for this statistic.
So, if you don't want to die of a deadly infection or starvation, what - oh what - to do? Fortunately, the Daily Mail is here to save us. Firstly, you must keep visitors off your bed. In my experience, this is a near-impossible feat: the NHS cannot afford more than one chair per-bedside, so the presence of any more than 2 visitors always leaves one to awkwardly hover; 2 or more visitors amounts to standing-room only. I had naively thought the purpose of receiving visitors when in hospital was the provision of comfort, but the idea of having a loved one jump on your bed for a hug or a bit of much-needed physical closeness is clearly obscene and will only get me killed. Phew - avoided that bear trap.
After some sage advice about washing your hands (if only I'd thought of that), comes a dictum to "take a photo of your doctor". Calm down girls - amazingly, this is not so you can catalogue what is sure to be a stream of young, dishy docs and find them on Facebook later. It is because: "You will see countless doctors, nurses and other people during the course of a day, so it's important to know exactly who the doctor in charge of you is". Hang on, Daily Mail...are you suggesting more than ONE doctor might cross my path during my stay? ONE doctor won't work continuously until my stay is over? Well, at least if I have a photo I will "be able to identify them" - and however else would I be able to do that?! Their name badge almost certainly won't help. Not quite out of the woods yet, though: I also need to: "Make sure everyone who talks to you identifies themselves, and convey changes in your condition only to the doctors and nurses involved in your case". Presumably, you can thus avoid giving your medical history to the cleaner or having the McDonalds delivery guy try and start an IV.
Next: "Drink plenty of water". Unless you are on a fluid restriction. Or you are nil-by-mouth.
We are also informed we must eat more (to counter the malnourishment you are sure to suffer). You will notice if weight-loss has occurred during your hospital stay because "rings become looser [and] your belt needs to be tighter". Thank God - otherwise how would you realise.
Possibly my favourite nugget is: "Cover the stethoscope". Apparently, doctors use them on more than just one patient and they are teeming with bacteria, don't you know. There was me thinking the NHS had the resources to pay for a brand new stethoscope per patient...I realise the Daily Mail is no medical journal, but is it not common knowledge that covering the end of a stethoscope would make it harder to...y'know...hear stuff? Perhaps I should insist my doctor sterilises the side of his head before laying his ear directly on my chest. I could then go on to sue him from malpractice and sexual harassment...and sell my story to the Daily Mail.
Finally, you need to place a pump-dispenser of alcohol-based sanitiser on my bedside table so that staff will "get the hint". Even if they don't clean their hands, they will definitely "get the hint" that you a uptight, paranoid, anal hypochondriac. When you complain in restaurants, the chef sneezes in your food.
Having read the Daily Mail's "Hospital Survival Guide", it struck me that it was probably written by somebody who has never been to hospital. It its blinkered desire to take a pop at the Labour Government, it did a great dis-service to the thousands of NHS employees who go to great lengths to keep their working environment clean and safe. I have had some dealings with hospitals and I can attest to this; the Daily Mail might be shocked to find out hospitals already provide alcohol-based sanitisers throughout their facilities - shocking, I know. I'm going to hospital in an hour: just enough time to don a mask and gloves and stock up on Detol. As long as no-one touches me, with anything, I might just come out alive.
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