A week ago I wrote an extensive piece about my turbulent start to nocturnal dialysis: the alarms, the lack of sleep, the fact that my life was over...the usual stuff. Then I decided not to post it, because in retrospect the majority of the problems were caused by my own incompetence and it seemed incredibly indulgent to whinge about it. The sessions became easier and more efficient, and the article was all but redundant.
This post will be brief; I shall look to write a longer post later, one that details my hilarious nocturnal dialysis antics in full. For now, I shall just say this: I am pretty tired. My internship is hugely enjoyable and rewarding but the days are long and I have only an hour or two when I get home to chew on whatever happens to be in my fridge (ageing salad, questionable tinned tuna) before I have to turn my attention to Dermot. I know it will take time to get used to doing nights, and I am grateful for the additional freedom this regime will give me...but I so miss being able to go to bed and sleep peacefully, and I am terrified at the prospect of having to attach myself to the machine almost every night for the rest of my life. This is life now, this is it: no wider goal to move towards. Sometime I pray to a God I don't believe in for a transplant that is unlikely to ever come.
And to think I said I wouldn't whinge...I have concluded that actually, what I need far more than a throbbing kidney, is a holiday, a break, so that when it is twenty past nine on a Sunday evening, and Dermot is yelping at me because low water pressure is hindering his heat disinfection, and all I want to do is watch Don't Trust The Bitch in Apartment 23 and fall asleep clutching Bear...I'll be able to cope with it a bit better. If only the world could stop spinning for a week or two; I would revel in the stillness.
This post will be brief; I shall look to write a longer post later, one that details my hilarious nocturnal dialysis antics in full. For now, I shall just say this: I am pretty tired. My internship is hugely enjoyable and rewarding but the days are long and I have only an hour or two when I get home to chew on whatever happens to be in my fridge (ageing salad, questionable tinned tuna) before I have to turn my attention to Dermot. I know it will take time to get used to doing nights, and I am grateful for the additional freedom this regime will give me...but I so miss being able to go to bed and sleep peacefully, and I am terrified at the prospect of having to attach myself to the machine almost every night for the rest of my life. This is life now, this is it: no wider goal to move towards. Sometime I pray to a God I don't believe in for a transplant that is unlikely to ever come.
And to think I said I wouldn't whinge...I have concluded that actually, what I need far more than a throbbing kidney, is a holiday, a break, so that when it is twenty past nine on a Sunday evening, and Dermot is yelping at me because low water pressure is hindering his heat disinfection, and all I want to do is watch Don't Trust The Bitch in Apartment 23 and fall asleep clutching Bear...I'll be able to cope with it a bit better. If only the world could stop spinning for a week or two; I would revel in the stillness.
Dear Rosy, so sorry not to have been in touch for so long, life has been busy and difficult at times but no excuse really especially considering all that you are having to cope with. You are such an inspiration my lovely and I so hope and pray that a Kidney becomes available for you soon. I can't imagine how unbearable things must be for you and yet you continue to plod on. Do people read and comment on your blog often? I'm sure you must be a real inspiration to others going through similar experiences.
ReplyDeletePlease tell me about the nicer parts of your life? your studying etc. Do you have some good friends to lean on?
I really wish I had the words to make things feel a little better for you but I feel so helpless.
This is just a brief note for now but we'd love to see you sometime in the future if at all possible. We still have the tray you brought to Richard's Birthday in October. Goodness how time flies and not just when one is having fun as you know all too well.
Please pass on our love to mum.
Take care and much love April and Richard sends his love too of course xxxx