A Happy New Year...?

Pammy needn't worry

So far, 2011 is going well. It got off to a good start: I was dressed as Pamela Anderson, under the influence of various toxins and surrounded by friends - surely all the components necessary to ring in the new year. After Party No. 1, I jumped in a taxi and sped over to Party No. 2 which made me feel frightfully hardcore. The latter was hosted by an old flame and I was intrigued to find the embers still a'glow, though by 3 am my only interest was in getting back home to eat Kettle Chips and fall into (my own) bed. Yesterday was spent on Joanne's sofa watching Harry Potter and eating pizza and today Maisy and I have been taking down the Christmas decorations and compounding our melancholy by gorging on leftover mince pies.

Last year may have been the Year of the Tiger, but I very much hope that 2011 will be the Year of the Kidney even if it does leave the Chinese disgruntled and confused. As we counted down to midnight on Friday, I was quietly aware that I was heading into my fourth year on dialysis. If you had told me at the start of 2008 that my dialysis regime would last for three years (at the very least) I would have laughed darkly and told you to stop being ridiculous; if you had managed to convince me of the validity of your pronouncement, I probably would have jumped off the top of Sainsbury's car park which just proves foresight is not always a gift.

I find my birthday hard, the anniversary of my first transplant even harder and New Year the toughest of all. I find it difficult to celebrate a fresh start on January 1st when I am still bound in a mortal lock to the hospital and no amount of vodka and coke consumption will change the fact. This year was especially hard: there have been problems with the fistula for the last few months which has made sessions particularly un-enjoyable and with no end in sight I have been at a notably low ebb. I ran out of the energy required to continue on in the fight and began to question who I was battling for: did I want to stay alive to get married, have a career and start a family? To finally replace the light bulb in my bedroom and potentially one day meet Dermot O'Leary? Or was I just forging on to placate my family and friends? I had hoped the two week break from school might offer some respite, until it occurred to me that it was not work I needed to get away from - I actually like my job - but dialysis; in the absence of work, the time I spent at the hospital was pushed to the fore and seemed to intensify as a result. Whilst Christmas Day was wonderful, I missed being able to drink and eat the amount I wished and the experience of being unable to quench my unbearable thirst is not one I shall miss...

...which is why 2011 is so promising. The longer I am on The List, the more likely the possibility of a transplant becomes so it is not too far-fetched to believe that this will be the year my wait comes to an end. Thus far, the New Year seems to have infused me with renewed tolerance for dialysis. The festive period felt like a bubble (or should be that be bauble?) that was tainted by my condition but as life settles down and returns to tranquil normality, kidney failure once again becomes a way of life to be endured for as long as necessary.

The New Year may have hammered home the blight of my medical situation, but it did not fail to make me consider all the wonderful things in my life for which I am tremendously grateful: family, friends, a good home, an enjoyable job, the possibility for personal and professional progression and general good health. My resolutions so far include: being more sociable (themed night out to Infernos, anyone?); finishing my book; upping my gym visitations (Reggae Aerobics with Becky next Saturday consequently ticks two off the list) and making myself as aesthetically pleasing as my five foot stature, wonky right eye and freakish left arm will allow. The transplant, though it heads up my wish list, is entirely out of my hands. With luck, 2011 is the year in which fantastic things will happen...and perhaps a new kidney will top it off.