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To Swede or not to Swede

Sometimes, living with this condition feels like I am dragging a heavy suitcase behind me wherever I go. Tonight, tired after the day's session and run down by the dark evenings and cold weather (although I think that may apply to everyone) my luggage feels just that little bit more cumbersome. I am due to go to Stockholm this weekend to celebrate Anna's birthday and I am suffering from indecision, for I fear the metaphorical luggage I shall be bringing with me will exceed the plane's acceptable weight limit. I am not bemoaning my situation or whining about the injustice of it all - I do not feel it is unfair. Having renal failure does not negate me from being able to go on what will no doubt be a fun trip away; indeed, I am incredibly fortunate that I am healthy enough to consider the prospect; to have friends who want me there and that I can afford it (just)...yet, I am fretting. It's one weekend away, but leaving the country, even for 42 hours, is such a sheer departure from my safe little routine. I wish I could relax but my condition is the devil on my shoulder: I have kidney failure, I am on dialysis; I desperately want to let go and let my hair down and be wild...but I can't. If I go to Stockholm, my kidney failure comes with me.

I am pathetic, I realise this. There is nothing stopping me but my own fear and I don't want to let my friends down or miss out all because I cannot un-clench, but I just feel too exhausted and too scared to spend a weekend outside of the strict perameters of this life I lead. The illness is not to blame and it is not an excuse; the only thing stopping me going is my perception of it. I do not deserve sympathy - I am not deserving of it - and I am not asking Anna to understand, for I barely understand it myself...why am I so reluctant? Perhaps I have given my illness license to become an entity unto itself and now it stands in the way of my own enjoyment; in the last three years, I have not once let myself relax entirely. In worrying about this weekend, I have turned a simple decision into a behemoth of an issue - I shall disappoint Anna but I can make it up to her. I am not articulating my point well. Sometimes I wish my suitcase was visible to others; I wish they could see that I pull it all the time. Every minute, every day.

The last few months have been a bit tough. In the last two weeks, two fellow patients have received transplants and whilst I am elated for them, as I approach the end of my third year on dialysis, I wonder if my own will ever materialise. Between work, the hospital and the everyday minutiae, I am feeling lost. I am so tired. I could sleep for a week and still crave more rest. I don't know what to do about Stockholm. Hopefully, I shall get on the plane.

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